We are going to take a break from design theory and focus on an urgent matter: white linen napkins.

I received a text from a friend on Thanksgiving morning, describing a “napkin drama.” I was sitting on the beach in Key West reading The Pirate Republic by Colin Woodard, which I highly recommend, but it’s also sort of gory so it was a good time for a break, and I texted back, “Please do elaborate. I am all ears.”

This was a story I knew all too well. She had pulled out the white linen napkins she laundered and ironed after their last dinner party, and while in the drawer, ugly yellow stains had magically appeared. The rest of the drama involved buying other napkins online that turned out to be more pink than cream, but it turns out the offending pinkish replacements were ruined in a red wine accident, so maybe we should just all go find some nice burgundy ones before we break out the Burgundy and prime rib for Christmas.

When I got home, I opened up my drawer to inspect my own (perhaps ridiculous) stack of white linen damask, and the same sad tale prevailed. Laundered, ironed, and splotchy. A full 38 out of 56 were just not going to work for public use.

I really don’t have time to be fooling with this now, and the compulsive urge to spot-treat and launder and iron 38 napkins may be a bit silly, but I’m a scientist by training so I did it anyway. Also, I am a sucker for stain treatments, and I have many options.

I really miss my top-loading washer. Soaking is the secret sauce, and I don’t see how running the washer four times is any better for water saving, anyway.

There are a whole bunch that are great for the first run, but don’t work after the stains are set in the dryer. The little bottles of Carbona are good, for example, but those are stain-specific, and it’s hard to know if it’s wine or gravy or butter or jam when it’s all faded to yellow. Biz and Borax are great for the first run, too, when the stains are fresh, and so is the enzymatic carpet cleaner, Folex. I have gotten a lot out of carpets AND clothes with Folex. Original Dawn is great on chocolate. Squirt it on and rub it in with a baby toothbrush.

However, because most of us miss some stains until we are folding and they are already set, there is a new crop of super stain removers aimed at dryer-set stains. I bought one on the recommendation from my boyfriend’s ex-wife. (Ladies, be nice to each other! We are all in this together!) This one really does do great on old stains. It’s Miss Mouth’s Messy Eater Stain Spray. It did handle a lot, but not everything made it out and I used two bottles on my pile of napkins.

I also have one I got from an Instagram ad. It’s in a purple bottle and I can’t read it because the words are in Chinese. It did not seem to be too terribly toxic, but it also didn’t get everything out.

After round two, I made a rookie mistake and left them in a pile on top of the washer while I noodled some other options. Well, it took me a couple of days to get back to them and they started smelling a little musty, so I ran them through again with some bleach. Yes, it will weaken the fibers and you’ll have to wash them again to get the smell out. (Who wants to wipe their mouth and come away smelling like the lifeguard break room?) But. Most of the stains made it out after the bleach run. Imagine that.

The last run was with regular old spot-treating with Shout and a generous scoop of OxyClean, and that seemed to do the trick. We’ll see if they hold up in the drawer. I just need ten anyway, but that is probably how I ended up with 38 stained napkins—using the pristine ones and leaving the stained ones in the drawer to deal with “someday.”

Anyway, this is the end game: once you are finished with your stain removal process, shake them out, lay them flat on your ironing board in a pile, and iron them from damp. So don’t do the washing unless you have the time to iron them that day. And don’t iron any that you see still stained; put those last few in the sink to soak with some warm water and OxyClean and try again.

As it turns out, I have some cute tartan ones that work great with my new green plates, and I never got around to my ironing, so my pristine white napkins are sitting in a pile on the drying rack (lesson learned about that pile of sadness on top of the washer). We are running out of time, friends, and I have to do things like chase down cases of champagne and go to Costco and wrap all the presents that are making my closet a dangerous obstacle course.